Slow Down Lowdown

I was talking recently to an acquaintance nearing retirement. Having achieved that status some time ago, I was curious about what he looked forward to the most on that first day when the alarm clock needn’t sound. The answer was slowing down, no longer following a fast-paced, do-it-now schedule. Everything that needed doing would get done, but all in good time.

But when he asked me if that’s what I’d looked forward to as well as I approached retirement and how that played out afterward, I shared my quite different experience. Whereas retirement for many is a chance to sleep later, for me, it was a wake-up call. And that call practically screamed that, because retirement was synonymous with advancing age, I’d now have less time for doing everything, so I shouldn’t waste it. For example, especially when others are involved in my activities:

I’ve got no time for ‘maybe’ as an answer. During college, when I called a girl on Monday for a date on Saturday, she might say, “Maybe, but why don’t you check back with me on Friday?” While I knew that meant that she hoped for a better offer than from yours truly, hope nevertheless remained. These days, even though I’m not asking for a date, only if a buddy wants to grab a beer, I’ve arbitrarily decided, in the interest of time, that ‘maybe’ now means ‘no’, so I don’t ask again.

“Closely related to “maybe” is “we’ll see.” Same consideration… no, we won’t see. As for “whatever”, that’s also a never.

Another rejection is, “I should be able to go.” Should—does that mean you have to ask your mother first?

Then there’s ‘the pompously qualified no’. You’ve observed this, I’m sure: You send a message asking who’s in for… something, and you get this back from one of the guys: “Well, Buffy and I are (expensively) going to… wherever, however, and doing whatever, so no, I can’t play. Hey pal, I don’t care what extravagant gig is keeping you otherwise engaged, just tell me yes or no.

I also don’t have time for “I don’t care”. That’s an automatic nada, too. Although if it’s something I really favor doing, I might ask, “What time will you care?” because I also favor the ‘ask one more time rule’ if it’s something I can’t do alone. My standards, my rules, right?

Finally, there’s the ‘extended goodbye’ at a social gathering, for which I also don’t have time. Once I’m ready for leave-taking, instead of the common 20-minute, multiple huggy-huggy, I favor a quick, conversation-terminating, gratitude-expressing sentiment such as: “Yes, sorry you lost your job, you wrecked the Porsche, and your wife left you, but thanks for the swell time tonight, see you later.”

I know this all comes across as ‘insensitive, intolerant older guy’, but I also don’t have time for worrying about what anybody thinks of me.

Phil Goldstein is in his 7th year writing Tales from Timnath for North Forty News. Phil is a 16-year Timnath resident who is finally using his West Virginia University journalism degree after getting sidetracked 53 years ago. The views expressed herein are Phil’s only. Contact him with comments on the column at NFNTimnath@gmail.com .

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