Why Some People Blame Themselves for a Partner’s Infidelity

Table of Contents

• They Made a Poor Choice
• They Are Angry for Being Gullible
• They Feel Rejected
• They Want to Shift the Blame

They Made a Poor Choice

Infidelity is as old as the concept of a monogamous relationship. It was more common when people didn’t get married for love, and divorce wasn’t an option. There may well be less cheating in 2024 than 50 years ago, but today, it seems more prevalent because of social media and the internet.

Infidelity is never the “fault” of one single person. It’s often the victim’s choice of a partner. A prime example is the proverbial “bad boy” that women are perpetually drawn to. Bad boys rebel against norms and flout conventions, which is one thing that makes them attractive. They go against the grain and explore paths not taken, and others are inspired to take their lead. Unfortunately for the partners of some bad boys, they also question or completely disregard monogamy, becoming serial cheaters.

You also don’t want to be with someone who has an addictive personality type, especially if sex is what they are addicted to. Such individuals often struggle with self-control, and their inability to maintain a monogamous relationship is more about their internal struggles than their partner’s actions. Recognizing these traits early on can help prevent unnecessary heartbreak.

They Are Angry for Being Gullible

At times, the victim of infidelity wondered if something was going on. There were signs. Their partner became distant, kept their phone far away, or failed to account for their time. Finding out the truth makes them feel bad about missing the signs. People ignore red flags because they don’t want to believe their partner is capable of cheating.

The act of infidelity is selfish, and the cheating person’s significant other is often the last thing on their mind. Self-blame frequently stems from feelings of gullibility. Victims question their judgment and may even feel ashamed for trusting their partner so deeply. This anger often manifests as self-directed frustration, as they reflect on how they overlooked the signs.

Someone who blames themselves loved and trusted their partner. There is nothing wrong with that. Love and trust are the foundation of a good relationship. However, these virtues can sometimes leave individuals vulnerable to manipulation. Understanding that trust was given in good faith can help victims navigate their emotions without undue self-blame.

They Feel Rejected

One of the predominant emotions when you discover an affair is rejection — that you weren’t good enough. You gained weight, worked too much, didn’t pay them enough attention, etc. You feel you should have done something to keep them from straying. The truth is that attraction in affairs often has nothing to do with the cheater’s spouse or partner.

Rejection is a very powerful emotion — it quite literally hurts. Researchers had study participants view a photo of their ex as they ruminated over being rejected and simultaneously viewed the secondary somatosensory cortex, an area supporting physical pain’s sensory components. The overlap between pain and rejection was studied using MRI to compare both conditions in the same subjects. Activation in this region was highly indicative of physical pain, with predictive values being as high as 88%. Not only are rejection and physical pain similar in that they are both upsetting, but they also share somatosensory representations.

Feelings of inadequacy can also emerge, as victims of infidelity often internalize their partner’s actions. They might think their appearance, personality, or habits pushed their partner away. Yet, it’s crucial to recognize that infidelity is more reflective of the cheater’s issues rather than the victim’s perceived shortcomings. Open communication and seeking professional help, such as therapy, can be pivotal in overcoming the emotional pain tied to rejection.

They Want to Shift the Blame

If you are willing to take the blame, someone will gladly give it to you. Going down the road of self-blame is easy in the aftermath of an affair when the victim often starts to question a lot of things in their lives. We’re prone to take the blame for those we care deeply about. Two experiments proved this by probing the link between voluntary blame-taking and relationship status. Participants were told to imagine that a close relative, a friend, or an acquaintance had committed a traffic offense. The person offered them an incentive, either social or monetary, or no incentive to take the blame. 57.8% of participants were likely to take the blame for a relative, and 34.9% said they would take the fall for a friend or an acquaintance. There was no difference between an acquaintance and a close friend, and social incentives did not affect purposeful blame-taking in either experiment.

This tendency to absorb blame can stem from a desire to shield the partner or maintain the illusion of a functional relationship. Taking on blame might also feel like an effort to regain control — as if owning the situation will allow them to fix it. However, this mindset is detrimental in the long term, as it prevents victims from holding the cheater accountable and addressing the root cause of the betrayal.

Conclusion

Blaming oneself for a partner’s infidelity is a natural but misguided response that arises from emotional vulnerability and a deep desire to make sense of a painful experience. By understanding that infidelity often reflects the cheater’s struggles rather than the victim’s shortcomings, individuals can begin to heal, regain self-worth, and build healthier relationships in the future.