Satire: Two Guitarists Seek Bassist, Drummer for “Vowel Obstruction”

By Devin Morse, Esteemed Satirist & Resident Voodoo Expert
Dear Craigslist,
We are two passionate guitar players seeking a bassist and drummer in the Fort Collins/Loveland area for a spoken-word, experimental, Steampunk mash-up project. Are you our missing member?
Our group is called “Vowel Obstruction.” We’ve already played a few shows with this name, but we’re willing to take suggestions on a new one. We might be looking for something smoother and more regular – something that flows. We’ve pondered the name “Vowel Movement” from time to time, but it doesn’t seem as solid.
We are, however, certainly movers! We’ve only been playing together for about the last eight months, and we’ve already booked a number of successful gigs. Now, we’re looking to take our act to the next level: a full band. We need creative new members, a bassist and a drummer, to flesh-out our unique style and sound. Could you be our future bandmate?
We need a go-getter who’s really willing to get in there and make this band a success. We’re talking marketing skills, connections, and music-industry know-how. The ideal candidates will have a good job and a steady stream of disposable income. Additional consideration will be made for any applicant who can drive, is willing to pitch on booze, or has spare rooms where we can pass out drunk, or at least stay for a couple of weeks.
In fact, if we really want to be successful, we should probably just go ahead and move on into your place as soon as possible. I should point out that neither of us knows how to cook or do laundry, so a proficiency in these areas will greatly help your chances of joining the band.
The really good news is that neither of us is employed. We have all the time in the world to work on “Vowel Obstruction, and no money to do anything else. The ideal candidate won’t worry about getting their rent money, or having to pay for all of the groceries, because he/she believes so passionately in the success of the band.
And what a success we will be! With a little investment capital, we can buy matching instruments and outfits. In no time, we’ll be ready to hit the town on your dollar and spread the word.
Every bit of time and money you invest will be worth it, which is why I would like to add just a few more requirements:

  1. The ideal band member will be a natural teacher; someone patient who can share their knowledge and expertise with the other members of the band.
  2. You must be willing to buy us fancy, expensive equipment we don’t need.
  3. We would like breakfast in bed every Sunday – blueberry pancakes are preferred.

Once we have our bassist and drummer, we will be on our way to superstardom. At this point, there’s only one more thing our band could possibly need:
A couple of amazing guitar players.

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