The Best of Things I Just Don’t Get

Editor’s Note: While NFN Columnist Phil Goldstein is on assignment investigating a possible paraprosdokian in Paonia, from the archives of Tales from Timnath, we present the best of “Things I Just Don’t Get,” Phil’s periodic puzzlement columns about life and times: 

I don’t get personal training. Do trainers’ patrons also pay someone to tell them how to eat, shower, or do their laundry?

Preceding a statement with “Honestly” or “To tell the truth.” No, I’d prefer you lie to me.

Are there proofreaders for skywriters?

When the escalator is broken, instead of ‘Out of Order’, why doesn’t the sign say, ‘Please use steps’?

Of all my favorite TV show episodes, why am I only now wondering how the Flintstones could have celebrated Christmas?

In countries where they drive on the left, do people walk down the left side of sidewalks and hallways?

While walking the dog recently, I saw a guy drive by in an electric car while texting. So it’s ‘Save the planet, the hell with the pedestrians’?

If you go to the library and ask where the self-help books are and the librarian tells you, doesn’t that defeat the purpose?

How hard could an American history class have been in 1777?

Wouldn’t it be easier to find everything in the supermarket if they put all the items in alphabetical order, say peas next to pet food?

Could one write an unauthorized autobiography?

How can the late Meat Loaf still not be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Phil Goldstein is in his fifth year writing Tales from Timnath for North Forty News. Phil is a 14-year Timnath resident who is finally using his West Virginia University journalism degree after getting sidetracked 51 years ago. The views expressed herein are Phil’s only. Contact him with comments on the column at [email protected].