Things I Just Don’t Get

Phil Goldstein

There are many things people do or don’t do that I don’t get. Of course, it may just be me—perhaps I’m too narrow-minded, particular, or unhip—but I’d like to think I’m not alone in at least some of these puzzlements, so I’m lobbing the following out there to see if you readers concur:

Wouldn’t it be easier to find everything in the supermarket if they put all the items in alphabetical order, say peas, next to pet food?

Of all my favorite TV show episodes, why am I only now wondering how the Flintstones could have celebrated Christmas?

Not experiencing New Belgium Brewing’s Tour de Fat as a participant at least once in one’s life. 

Could one write an unauthorized autobiography?

While walking the dogs recently, I saw a guy drive by in an electric car while texting. Save the planet. The hell with the pedestrians?

Preceding a statement with “Honestly” or “To tell the truth.” No, I’d prefer you lie to me.

In countries where they drive on the left, do people walk down the left side of hallways and sidewalks?

Entire families at the restaurant table looking at their phones… although I suppose it’s alright if the parents are texting the kids, asking what they learned in school that day.

Are there proofreaders for skywriters?

How can The Notorious B.I.G. be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Meat Loaf is not?

If you go to the library and ask where the self-help books are and the librarian tells you, wouldn’t that defeat the purpose?

E-bikes. Unless of course, you state that you know you’re not getting any significant exercise, and you’re only doing it to irritate us real cyclists by hogging the bike lanes and trails.

How hard could American history class have been in 1777?

Phil Goldstein is in his fourth year writing Tales from Timnath for North Forty News. Phil is a 13-year Timnath resident who is finally using his West Virginia University journalism degree after getting sidetracked 50 years ago. The views expressed herein are Phil’s only. Contact him with comments on the column at [email protected].