By James R Hinshaw, MA. LPC. | Beyond The Mirror Counseling and Wellness
Navigating the ebb and flow of relationships through curiosity, compassion, and clear, grounded communication
As the days shorten and the seasons change, we may find ourselves overwhelmed by the many hats that we all wear. What can compound this is that we may find ourselves in a position of “needing to show up” a narrative that we write without much context. What exactly does showing up mean? What does it look like to “show up”? Showing up means being present with another’s needs, getting curious about their hopes, and gaining understanding of their world, often in hopes that the other party returns the favor. Understanding what this means to us can dramatically change our experiences and help us set meaningful boundaries. This could be through effective self-advocacy and communication.
The word “boundaries” almost sounds rigid or even cold. Defined as: a line which marks the limits of an area; a dividing line. Healthy boundaries are not actually cold; they are a necessity in any relationship. They help us identify our limits, be aware of potential (what may happen in a given situation), and stand up for ourselves. Boundaries help us to speak to our needs or what we can handle in a given moment. In a world that feels so divided right now, I feel it is important to understand and honor the benefits of boundaries while learning to use them effectively. Through effective communication, meaningful interpretation (what my boundary means to me), and awareness of our non-verbal communication (posture, defensiveness, tonality, even the speed at which we speak). All of these items impact the effectiveness of setting our boundaries.
Self-advocacy is the ability to speak to our needs, discomforts, interests, and values. This is a practice I define as stepping into our power. To honor ourselves, to love ourselves, and to accept ourselves. This is a challenging feat for most of us at times. To do this effectively, the approach matters. Our approach is our presentation, body language, and tone of voice. This is often influenced by the narrative we write about a person at the time. It’s important to step into one’s power, but if our approach is not tempered, we may be met with defensiveness, which can be perceived as an attack, criticism, or resistance. We may even feel as though we were not heard at all. The truth is that families, relationships, and community are not going to be aligned as often as we would like. It’s important to advocate for ourselves and learn to communicate our needs so we feel like the most authentic versions of ourselves in our families and community settings.
Meaningful relationships can change lives. They help us connect, feel heard, and feel seen. Relationships are dynamic; they ebb and flow in the same ways that we do. Healthy relationships are founded on an understanding of each other, without judgment or assumption. One of my favorite quotes from the Gottman approach states: “Words of understanding must always precede words of advice.” Meaningful relationships feel reciprocated. This means being seen and seeing another, feeling heard and creating space to hear, and being present while the other person is present with us. A way to support meaningful relationships is to ask questions that open the heart. Heart-opening questions do not reside in judgment, assumption, or criticism; instead, they are found in curiosity, understanding, and validation.
An example of this is getting curious with another and asking, “How did that impact you? What makes that harder? What makes this feel less heavy?” Asking open-ended questions like this can deepen our understanding of one another, thereby creating an opportunity to understand ourselves better.
The last thing I will discuss is repair. This is our ability to approach someone else and take accountability for our part in any given conflict. This does not necessarily mean we are owning all the conflict; instead, we are demonstrating an understanding of our part in it. Repair is a powerful tool that helps us understand the feedback in a given situation (What does this mean? How have my actions played a role? What can I challenge or be aware of moving forward?) Of course, we feel the conflict might not be on us, but in my experience, relationships are often a two-way street, and all that we really have power over is ourselves. This is where boundaries become our shield. We can recognize what is not working or how something is impacting us and utilize self-advocacy to speak to our boundaries and hopes. These tools are geared toward managing the only thing within our direct control: ourselves.
I hope that you find deeper connections with others and a deeper understanding of the self. Flexibility, wisdom, grace, and intentionality can all play a key role in our connections. Setting effective boundaries, having healthy interactions — both verbal and non-verbal —and speaking to our needs or hopes can help us step into our power.
