[Editor’s Note: This article educates readers about the possible consequences of getting a DUI by using humor/satire. It is meant solely for entertainment purposes and does not offer any legal advice. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Scene Magazine.]
A lot of people have been asking me how exactly I got this amazing ass. Well, today I’d like to go on record by saying that you too can have an ass this amazing with regular exercise, discipline, and about $8,500 cash.
I suppose I first started to notice my spectacular buttocks a couple of months after losing my driver’s license. The inability to drive forced me to either walk or ride my bike everywhere, or to grudgingly ask friends (yes, again, sorry friends) for rides to my various alcohol education classes, probation meetings and mandatory drug and alcohol screenings.
At this point, I should note that if you want an ass this nice, the first thing you have to do is get a DUI.
In a town like Fort Collins, this is much easier than you probably think it is. The initial start-up costs will be little more than two or three microbrews, a booking fee, your driver’s license and your better judgment.
But to look this good, I assure you, it’s all worth it.
As time passes, you will see much of your hard-earned cash going to the city and state governments.
This will seem like a waste at first, but you’ll eventually realize that it’s really just part of this revolutionary new workout technique.
Lets see: $20 for each alcohol education class (there were 12); $50 for each monthly meeting with the probation officer; $1-$2 for each Breathalyzer screening, and $12 for each urine analysis, to name only a few. Nearly $1,000 for court costs. $100 community service sign-up fee. Increases to health and auto-insurance premiums. I believe my lawyer charged a flat rate of $2,000.
If you’re like me, spending this much dough will force you to take a second job waiting tables. (Good luck finding work with a DUI.) Not only does this activity give you yet another place to which you must walk or ride your bike, but once you’re there, the nature of the work will force you to walk in circles for several hours on end. This activity has an amazing shaping effect on the calves and gluteus maximus.
You will begin to notice that diet also weighs heavily in this situation. Even with your new waiting position, you will likely no longer have the funds to frequently eat out, thus reducing your intake of salty, fattening restaurant foods. Similarly, you will note that a DUI sentence comes with a mandatory sobriety clause, saving you from both the empty calories in alcohol, and the notoriously unhealthy eating behaviors associated with the munchies.
Any remaining flab should be taken care of by the multitude of activities that a DUI sentence lays at your feet. Somewhere between the forty-something hours of community service, the victim impact panel, the monthly probation meetings, the alcohol education classes and evaluations, near-daily substance screenings and all the other minutia, you will begin to notice that you have been riding your bike a lot. This will result in a tightening of your posterior that isn’t possible with conventional diet and exercise techniques.
Another major part of this conditioning regimen is the notable element of stress. How are you supposed to complete all of these mandatory tasks with two jobs and the inability to drive? Experts would call this part of the program “Muscle Confusion,” but I like to refer to it as “Unrelenting Panic.”
For instance, if you start “Job A” at eight in the morning, and get off at four in the afternoon, how can you possibly take a breath test before beginning “Job B” at five? By pedaling your ass off, that’s how; which is exactly the point. Finding time to eat and dress yourself may be a different story.
At this point in the program, you may begin to ask yourself questions such as, “Is it all worth it?” or “My god, what have I done to my life?”
Don’t worry, these reactions are quite normal. Remember, discipline is the key.
The thing about a DUI is, once you’re locked in, there is no way to escape until you’ve filled every requirement. If you really want the intended results, you’ll just have to let the whole thing run its course. Failure to do so will simply leave you trapped in the system, relinquishing your freedom and money indefinitely until you can meet all of the demands.
If you do everything right, though, you’ll be absolutely stunned by the results. As I stand before the mirror, basking in the glory of my incredible buttocks, the stunning musculature of this perfectly crafted piece of anatomy, I can almost feel a tear coming to the eye. Not because of the sheer beauty, or anything like that, but because I had to give up most of my savings, my ability to drive, my plans for grad school, several employment opportunities and a little bit of self-worth to get it.
Next time, I’ll just call a taxi.