I’ve Got To Be More Careful 

Phil Goldstein | North Forty News

As a famous writer, I sometimes take for granted that my readers understand that the satirical, farcical and facetious columns I often write for North Forty News and other area publications are not necessarily to be taken at face value. In other words, even if the shoe fits, one doesn’t necessarily have to wear it.

Relatedly, I also occasionally test the bounds of what one can and can’t put in writing before the public these days. This involves publications’ editors, who must approve my work before it gets to you. I don’t set out to push the envelope; it’s just that figuring out what’s acceptable gets harder every day.

To illustrate how wrong my assumptions have been at times about readers’ perceptiveness and editors’ discretion, I’m sharing some recent examples that illustrate how I may need to be more careful hereafter. You may decide for yourself if my prudence is warranted.

This first example falls under the heading of how, unfortunately, easy it is to offend someone these days. I write a satirical New Year’s resolutions column every January in this and another publication. Although NFN, to its credit, carried my last such column in its entirety (https://northfortynews.com/category/columns/new-years-resolutions/), the other publication cut out the following faux pledge to my wife: To Amy, I promise I’ll not play my drums when you’re sleeping if you’ll not play the Kardashians when I’m sleeping. The red-pencil-enamored editor commented, “We couldn’t take a chance that this would be offensive to the Kardashians.” Never mind that the publication is print-only with a circulation less than the number of pairs of shoes owned by that family. Oh well, I’ve simply got to be more considerate of others’ feelings.

Next up, I’ve also got to be more careful when writing about marriage, especially mine. On the occasion of our 25th wedding anniversary in July, I wrote a facetious (or so I thought) look at matrimony which ran in NFN (https://northfortynews.com/category/columns/glad-i-waited/) and another publication. Included was this observation: To avoid discordant domestic discourse, I’ve learned a more prudent means of asking her opinion on some matters. No longer do I express my opinion first then ask hers. Now I innocently raise the issue, ask her what she thinks, then heartily concur. Shortly thereafter, a neighbor at a party chastised me for “patronizing disrespect” for my spouse. What could I say except, “I suggest you look up the definition of satire.”

Another previous column that caught up to me was the one on the ‘All About Me Game’ (https://northfortynews.com/category/columns/the-all-about-me-game/), my tongue-in-cheek look at how easy it is to keep conversational narcissists thus engaged. This particular literary chicken came home to roost when, some months later at another party, I engaged a gentleman in conversation whose self-involvement immediately fit that column’s theme. But just when he was sharing another boring chapter about his unremarkable life, he abruptly ended the discourse with, “Wait a minute, I know what you’re doing, and I don’t want to end up in one of your columns.” Well bud, you did anyway. 

Then there was the circumstance of a young editor (again, not with NFN) who couldn’t relate to what I thought was a perfectly logical (and clever) play on words and said that readers wouldn’t get it. In a column about my tastes in entertainment that ran elsewhere and in NFN, https://northfortynews.com/category/columns/tales-from-timnath-music-matters/), I opined: The state of popular music has been all downhill since Led Zeppelin took us up that Stairway to Heaven in 1971. The 20-something editor sought a rewrite, but fortunately my 60-something, musically astute publisher intervened. The column ran as I intended, and the editor got a valuable lesson in cultural cluelessness.

Finally—also in the column about my entertainment preferences—I noted that I was not fond of hip-hop and its close musical (?) cousin, rap. I quoted the late musician, Tom Petty, who once offered that “rap is short for crap.” I further suggested that, whereas any radio dial features several classic rock stations with memorable fare from 50-plus years ago, I doubted that you’d find any ‘classic rap’ stations. Well, sure enough, no less an authority than my drum instructor—also 20-something by the way and a fan of hip -hop and rap—begged to differ and steered me to satellite radio’s Channel 43, Classic Hip-Hop. I stand corrected and readily acknowledge my artistic closemindedness… but you still won’t catch my rock and country band playing any of that genre.

Be well, keep on reading and commenting, and you too may end up mentioned in a column! 

Phil Goldstein is in his fifth year writing Tales from Timnath for North Forty News. Phil is a 14-year Timnath resident who is finally using his West Virginia University journalism degree after getting sidetracked 51 years ago. The views expressed herein are Phil’s only. Contact him with comments on the column at [email protected].