Twenty Undeniable Truths of Life

Phil Goldstein | North Forty News

[Columnist’s note: If you enjoy reading my columns in North Forty News and are not currently a subscriber, I encourage you to support the paper with a subscription. I am issuing a challenge to you to purchase 21 weeks of NFN for $20 (enter promo code “phil” at ), and I pledge to match the first 10 subscribers with my personal donation to the paper. Just write me at the email address below and let me know you have subscribed, and I will do the rest. Thank you for supporting NFN and for continuing to read my work.]


We have all had a rough time of late—a worldwide pandemic, election vitriol, rampant inflation, stock market tanking and another Kardashian divorce. I therefore present the following, my personal 20 Undeniable Truths of Life, in the hope that this collective wisdom provides the same comfort to the residents of Northern Colorado as it does for me when dark hours are nigh:

Whatever line I am in at the supermarket, bank or gas station will be the longest. And when I was single, if I took a date to a party, there would be a lot of single girls, but if I did not take a date, there would only be a bunch of guys.

The less mainstream you look and act, the more grateful you should be for a low unemployment rate.

If you swim enough laps, you will eventually have to pee in the pool.

How can Notorious B.I.G. be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the late Meat Loaf is not?

In sports, having a good experience is fine, but winning is what is really fun. And toward that end, ineptitude is tolerable, but not excuse-making.

It is bad form to wear the band’s t-shirt to the concert.

The consideration door has to swing both ways. If you want to get invited to the party, you have to extend some invitations of your own.

Credibility in communication does not start with, “Me and him….”

Steely Dan’s song, Aja, played at a loud volume in a darkened room on a quality audio system, is practically a religious experience.

Affording the payment is not the same as affording the purchase.

I am pretty sure Steve McQueen never wore sandals.

You can either be a follower or a leader. The former is safer, but the latter can be rewarding as long as you can handle taking a few arrows in the process.

Is there any less credible excuse for being unresponsive than, “Your email went to my spam folder”?

It is almost a crime not to experience New Belgium’s Tour de Fat as a participant at least once in your life.

Abuse of your status is one of the greatest sins in life… other than not squeezing the gas pump handle fully when there is a line behind your car.

Of the 127 cover versions of “Try a Little Tenderness,” first recorded by The Ray Noble Orchestra in 1932 and immortalized (if you were paying close attention) in the 1988 movie, Bull Durham, the Three Dog Night version is infinitely better than the most well-known recording of the song, the one by Otis Redding. 

Parents at the pool will be paying more attention to their cell phones than their kids.

Do not look down upon the clueless. We need these people; imagine how much more competitive the world would be if everyone was more capable.

Show me someone without time for regular health-promoting exercise, and I will show you a full DVR. And you cannot talk, text, tan, tattoo or take supplements your way to fitness.

Of all my favorite TV show episodes, why am I only now wondering how the Flintstones could have celebrated Christmas?

Now if that did not make you forget your troubles, I do not know what else I can do.

Phil Goldstein writes Tales from Timnath periodically for North Forty News. Phil is a 12-year Timnath resident who proudly serves the Town of Timnath as chair of the Timnath Planning Commission. Phil is finally using his journalism degree after getting sidetracked 49 years ago. The views expressed herein are Phil’s only. Contact him with comments on the column or suggestions for future columns at [email protected].


Support Northern Colorado Journalism

Show your support for North Forty News by helping us produce more content. It's a kind and simple gesture that will help us continue to bring more content to you.

BONUS - Donors get a link in their receipt to sign up for our once-per-week instant text messaging alert. Get your e-copy of North Forty News the moment it is released!

Click to Donate