Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions — Or Not

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Humorous List of Resolutions You May Not See Anywhere Else

Jonson Kuhn | North Forty News

Well, that time of year is upon us again; that time when we look to the future and turn our backs to the past. It’s also that time of year for lists, lists of things to do or change. This time of year, you’re undoubtedly going to come across a New Year’s list or two, for instance at I found a nifty 10 New Year’s Resolutions to Accomplish. It’s a pretty cool list, but it turns out that I’m not legally allowed to just copy things I find on the internet, something about “plagiarism,” I’m still looking into it. So, in an effort to keep North Forty News out of unnecessary lawsuits, I’ve compiled my own Top Ten New Year’s resolutions.

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1. Delete social media – I can tell you from experience I did this and the level of stress and anxiety in my life has dramatically decreased. By now everyone’s heard of Frances Haugen, the “Facebook Whistleblower” that exposed Facebook’s misuse of algorithms, and that’s why I finally logged off for good. Even if you don’t delete social media entirely, maybe just use it less?

2. Finally, dump that individual holding you back in life – You know this has been a long time coming. You’re probably glaring at them right now from across the room as you’re reading this article. Just watching them chew their food with their mouths open with that look on their face you can’t stand and they’re wearing your socks, but they wear them inside out like they’re somehow doing you a favor like you’re not just going to have to wash them again anyway?! 2022 is your chance to start brand new and leave all unwanted baggage behind.

3. Don’t get in shape – Yeah, you read that right, “don’t” get in shape, as in Do Not. Every New Year’s you constantly hear people going on and on about getting in shape, it’s time to get in shape, blah, blah, blah. I hate to break it to you but if you weren’t spending the previous year getting in shape, chances are you aren’t going to be spending this new one getting into shape either. And why should you?! If you don’t want to then I say don’t do it. It’s too cold and there’s COVID and inflation and crime is on the rise and other stuff; believe me, I have no shortage of excuses to avoid going to the gym.

4. Buy something you can’t afford – For most of us, this isn’t something we need a special holiday for; this is something most of us just do on a daily/weekly basis as is. All the same, I challenge you to go above and beyond with your negligent spending and make a purchase you’re sure to still be paying off by the time the following new year rolls around in 2023. So, go buy something really irresponsible like an exotic animal! Or a hot-air balloon! Or a college degree! Or an NFT! I don’t know what an NFT is exactly but they’re wicked expensive and seem like an incredible waste of money.

5. Tell some people off – You know you’ve got a list brewing inside your head and you know it’s been brewing for a long time. It’s so well embedded in your brain, you probably don’t even have to write it down, you can just close your eyes and it’s right there, am I right? So, I say let 2022 be the year you finally tell that person or persons in your life just exactly how you feel or just exactly how bad they smell or how bad they drive or how loud they talk or how loud they breathe or how close they stand, etc.

6. Quit your job – Nothing is better than quitting your job. Pie and ice cream, falling in love, revenge on your greatest enemies, NOTHING is better than quitting your job.

7. Make other people quit their job
with you –
Correction: The only thing better than quitting your job is making other people quit their job simultaneously. There’s strength in numbers and it’s easier to convince yourself you haven’t made a terrible mistake if a bunch of other people did it, too.

8. Drop out of school – If you’re in school right now, imagine I’m You in the future trying to reach back in time to deliver a message…and that message is drop out of school immediately. Sell back the books, give back the information they gave you and promptly be on your way.

9. Come to terms with living in a simulated reality – Hey, Neil deGrasse Tyson, and Elon Musk seem pretty convinced it’s a likely scenario, so who are we to argue? Do you know anybody smarter than those two?

10. Don’t change anything at all – Instead of making a bunch of commitments you’re unlikely to keep beyond January, just accept yourself for who and how you are. You’re taking the time to read something that I wrote, so you’re pretty cool as far as I’m concerned. Unless you’re a serial killer or something like that. In that case, it wouldn’t kill you to make a few changes, but it would literally kill someone else if you didn’t, so, maybe think about it.

Happy New Year!