Phil Goldstein | NorthFortyNews.com
Editor’s Note: While Columnist Phil Goldstein is on assignment for NFN investigating a reported recrudescence in Ridgeway, from the archives of Tales from Timnath, we present the best of Phil’s annual “New Year’s Resolutions” columns, his usual sarcasm, cynicism, and skepticism about life and times disguised as promises for his personal betterment:
I resolve to make greater use of reverse psychology decision-making. I found this especially helpful during the last election when uncertain how to vote. Fortunately, I knew people whose opinion I could ask, then I voted the opposite way, confident that I got it right.
I’ll never believe a $10 million-salaried college football coach who says, “I’m just in it for the kids.”
I fully intend to answer only, “Whatever you think, dear,” to all domestic inquiries. And if that’s too disingenuous, I’ll try, “Why don’t you suggest what my response should be, and I’ll go with that?”
I resolve not to ask my fellow gym patrons if they ever wonder why their paid personal trainer never suggests that walking briskly 45 minutes a day is what they really need.
I resolve not to use those return address labels I receive in the mail unless I donate to the charity that sent them.
I must somehow figure out how to sleep past 4 am while still going to bed at 8 pm.
To my wife Amy, I promise I’ll not play my drums when you’re sleeping if you’ll not play the Kardashians when I’m sleeping.
I resolve not to drive an electric car until I can fill its ‘tank’ in the same four minutes I can fill my present car’s tank.
After three pickleball injury surgeries in two years, I’m quitting the sport. Really. Maybe. We’ll see.
I resolve to remain the only person I know who’s not wearing an Apple watch. I mean, somebody’s got to remember how to set and wind a traditional timepiece, right?
I’m not by nature a procrastinator, but I resolve to find something around the house that needs doing… and put off doing it.
Finally, I’m more resolved than ever to continue sending my annual letter to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame asking why the late, great Meat Loaf hasn’t been inducted yet.
Happy New Year, and please support North Forty News.
Phil Goldstein is in his sixth year writing Tales from Timnath for North Forty News. Phil is a 16-year Timnath resident who is finally using his West Virginia University journalism degree after getting sidetracked 53 years ago. The views expressed herein are Phil’s only. Contact him with comments on the column at [email protected].
